| JOKES JOKES AND MORE JOKES | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| YO MAMA, BILL CLINTON, AND BLONDE JOKES | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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YO MAMA JOKES Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo momma so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". YO Momma Jokes SO HAIRY Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| MORE JOKES (BLONDE) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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BLONDE JOKES How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Both are empty from the neck up. What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel. If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right. How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter. What would a blonde say if you blew in her ear? �Thanks for the refill! Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don't know any better. How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There'll be white-out on the screen. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information into a computer once. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off of a cliff. How does a blonde do a High-Five? She smacks herself in the forehead. Why do blondes wear their hair up? To try and catch everything that's over their heads. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle? A dope ring. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. Why do blondes always die before help arrives? They can't dial 911 there's no eleven on a telephone. Why don't blondes eat pickles? Their heads always get stuck in the jar. Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into those little packages. Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's where you wash vegetables. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in a handicapped zone. Why dont blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them. What do you call a zit on a blonde's backside? A brain tumor. What did the blonde call her zebra? Spot. What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common. You often hear about them, but you never see one. Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.? Because they can't spell it. How many blonde jokes are there? None, they're all true. What does a blonde who has dyed her hair brown have? Artificial intelligence. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes. How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof? Tell her that the drinks are on the house. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. What's a blonde's favorite T-shirt slogan? I'm a natural blonde, please speak slowly. What's the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. Why did the blonde freeze in the winter? Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't get the bottles into the typewriter. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? With a tire gauge. How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear. What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident? �I'll go and call 911, what's the number? What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech? A blonde driving through a flashing red light. What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts. What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress. What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever. Why do blondes wear a ponytail? To hide the valve stem. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook. How do you keep a blonde busy? Give her a pack of M&M's and ask her to alphabetize them. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? 100; 1 to make the batter, and 99 to peel the M&M's. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Because she kept eating all of the ones with W's on them. What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory? Proofreading. Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. What is the mating call of a blonde? I'm soooo drunk! What is the mating call of an ugly blonde? I said, �I'm drunk! What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet? Why do blondes always fail driver's tests? Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat. What would a blonde say if her doctor told her that she was pregnant? Is it mine? What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date? If you're not in bed by 10 PM, come home! What does a blonde use for birth control? Brown hair-dye. How does a blonde like her eggs? Unfertilized. What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning? 1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home. One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them. Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, You know, those look like deer tracks. The other blonde said, No, silly, those are moose tracks. They were still arguing about it when a train hit them. A blonde woman was very proud of herself for finishing her jigsaw puzzle in only two months; after all, the box said 2-5 years. One day, two blondes were driving to Disneyland. As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said, Disneyland Left. So they turned around and went home. A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were all walking down the street. All of a sudden, they saw a $10 bill lying on the ground. Luckily for the dumb blonde, she was able to get to the money first, her friends didn't exist. Blondes are too biased. It's always, Buy us this, buy us that! I once knew a suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hands. A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don't think I could ever eat twelve. One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up and said, Where? On a hot summer day, an angry blonde woman was brought into the hospital with severe burns on her mouth and lips. When the doctors asked her what had happened, she said that she had caught her boyfriend with another woman, so she had tried to retaliate by blowing his car up. A blonde woman became very depressed when she looked at her driver's license and saw that she had an �F' in sex. Once upon a time, there was a blonde who had six young boys, all of whom she named 'Jimmy'. One day, her aunt asked, Why did you name all of these boys 'Jimmy'? The blond said, So I can keep track of 'em. The aunt gave her a wild look. So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'? The blonde looked at her aunt, shrugged and said, No problem, I just call them by their last names. A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, YOU DUMB BLONDE, I OWN THE @$#&! ICE RINK! Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. Then, one of them decides to call 911. Blonde: We need help, me and two other blondes are trying to change a light bulb. Operator: Hmm. Have you put a fresh bulb in? B: Yes. O: Is the power in the house turned on? B: Of course! O: And the switch is on? B: Yes, yes! O: And the bulb still won't light up? B: Actually, the bulb's working fine. O: Then what's the problem? B: Well, we got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell off and hurt ourselves. Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were stranded on an island. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated the distance to be about twenty miles. So, she announced that she was going to try and swim back. After swimming five miles or so, the brunette began to get tired. However, determined to keep at it, she kept going. Unfortunately, ten miles out, she became exhausted and drowned. The redhead, who was stronger than the brunette had been, decided to give it a try. After getting out about ten miles or so, she too began to get tired. Just like the brunette, she was determined to keep going; only five miles from the mainland, she too became exhausted and drowned. Now, the blonde had always been the strongest of the three. And so, after seeing how far the redhead had gotten, she knew that she had a good chance of making it. The blonde swam away from the island, and was making good time. She passed ten miles easily; however, when she reached fifteen, she began to get tired, too. But she kept going. Finally, after reaching nineteen miles, with the mainland only a mile away and in sight, the blonde realized that she was simply too tired to go on. So she swam back. What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios? Ahh, donut seeds! What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch? A brunette that told too many blonde jokes (grin). How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She tells you she did. How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Both are empty from the neck up. What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel. If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right. How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter. What would a blonde say if you blew in her ear? �Thanks for the refill! Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don't know any better. How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There'll be white-out on the screen. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information into a computer once. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off of a cliff. How does a blonde do a High-Five? She smacks herself in the forehead. Why do blondes wear their hair up? To try and catch everything that's over their heads. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle? A dope ring. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. Why do blondes always die before help arrives? They can't dial 911 there's no eleven on a telephone. Why don't blondes eat pickles? Their heads always get stuck in the jar. Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into those little packages. Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's where you wash vegetables. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in a handicapped zone. Why dont blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them. What do you call a zit on a blonde's backside? A brain tumor. What did the blonde call her zebra? Spot. What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common. You often hear about them, but you never see one. Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.? Because they can't spell it. How many blonde jokes are there? None, they're all true. What does a blonde who has dyed her hair brown have? Artificial intelligence. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes. How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof? Tell her that the drinks are on the house. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. What's a blonde's favorite T-shirt slogan? I'm a natural blonde, please speak slowly. What's the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. Why did the blonde freeze in the winter? Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't get the bottles into the typewriter. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? With a tire gauge. How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear. What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident? �I'll go and call 911, what's the number? What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech? A blonde driving through a flashing red light. What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts. What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| BILL CLINTON JOKES | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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BILL CLINTON JOKES | Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss." What is Bill's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. Mr. Reagen, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic. Mr. Reagen says, "Save the Women!" Mr. Bush says, "Screw the women!" Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!" Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill. Lorena Bobbit The country seems to be doing pretty good -- everybody's got a job, money is up, lot of houses. How many people care that the President's having sex? Does it bother anybody? See, that's basically the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats . The Republicans are after your money, the Democrats are after your sister. The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends. One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded. One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order. Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine, no heart and this dick and brain are interchangeable! Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie; and not beside that of Jessee Jackson, who never told the truth, as Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Now Bill Clinton is going to steal the shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, Bill Clinton Statue Committee P.S. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives false sense of security while being screwed. Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation. Clinton told an aide today "I'm not saying I had oral sex with that woman, but if I did it would be because I love my wife." Clinton finds a bottle, opens it and a genie pops out and grants him one wish. Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East. The genie says there are some things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to make another wish. Clinton says he wishes that the whole Monica thing would go away. The genie says he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East. "Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal" from Late Night with David Letterman 10. "Make guest appearance on Ellen as Ricky the Gay Gabana Boy." 9. Have name of country officially changed to Spiceworld. 8. Call himself El Presidente and ride around the White House on a Donkey. 7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, Good Bill Clinting. 6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, I am so baked right now, dude! 5. Appear on CBS special, Presidential Interns Do the Darndest Things. 4. Release rap album under name Puff Puffy. 3. During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson�s toupee. 2. Appear on Jerry Springer and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr. 1. Start harassing himself. The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone." What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. White House Crisis Watch It was reported on Sunday morning that Clinton's Chief of Staff, Erskin Bowls, approached the president with some news. "Mr. President," he began, "I am afraid I have some bad news,good news and some bad news for you." "Give it to me in order," requested the president. "The bad news is that a picket demanding your impeachment is in front of the White House," said Erskin. "What is the good news?" asked the president. "Well," said Erskin cautiously, "there is only one so far." "That not too bad," said the president, "what could be so bad about that?" "Its Gore holding the sign." said Erskin. If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word. CLINTON-SPEAK from the Tonight Show What Clinton says What he really means I was not lying. I was standing up and she was lying. I wasn't adultery. She wasn't even an adult. I did not have oral sex with her. She was having it with me. It is time to get on with the nations' business. If this isn't off the front page by tomorrow, I'm bombing Iraq. White House Internship Recruitment Information Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." -- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. Interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected] Name: __________ Hometown: __________ Sex: F__ Age: ____ Measurements: (required for medical purposes) _____ How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: _____ ...Drunk: _____ ...Hot: _____ ...To lie to a federal prosecutor: _____ Quick quiz: You've always considered the White House: a monument to democracy the place where great leaders meet vaguely erotic extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): model wife and mother icon of late 20th century femininity an obstacle inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: Israeli policies childhood in Hope, Ark. romper room "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns reading, studying late nights working at the White House late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you. While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!" Why does Hillary Clinton wear high collared blouses? So you won't see her adam's apple move when Bill talks. What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton. One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'"? Bill answered, "No, some start with 'After I'm elected. . .'" The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? His faces. Bill Clinton steps off of Air Force One carrying a small dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog Sir." Bill says, "Thanks. I got it for Hillary." The Secret Service man says, "Nice trade, Sir!" Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting." Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch." Clinton & his friend, Jesse, went to the gym. After breaking a sweat,they got into the shower and Clinton said to Jesse," Oh my gosh, Jesse, why is your penis so BIG??" Jesse replied," Every night before I go to bed, I slap it 5 times against the bedpost." So Clinton said," I am going to try that tonite." When Clinton got home, [ it was kinda late, and Hillary was asleep ] Clinton started slapping it. Well with all the commotion, Hillary aroused up, eyes still closed, and said," Jesse?" What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minute What would Bill Clinton do if he weren't a democrat? He would be a botanist and play with flowers all day. The male lion can mate 100 times a day. He could be called the president of the jungle. Clinton didn't commit adultury with Monica Lewinscky. She wasn't an adult Bill Clinton was running around the White House pretending to do his job and he had a pair of ladies panties laying around his neck. Like the King who went around without any clothes, no one would say anything to Clinton about the panties around his neck. Finally, a young inturn went to the President and asked him why he had the panties around his neck. He reached up, touched the panties, smelled his hand, and said, ( Oh, that's a patch. I'm trying to quit!!!!!!! ) Where is America's income going to? BILL CLINTONS PROSTITUTES? What did Monica Lewinsky say to clinch the White House staff job? "Prrrr" Why did Hillary Clinton want to get a dog for the White House? To chase away all the pussies. What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common? Disney has a movie called the Lion King Bill Clinton is the Lyn' King When Bill Clinton was asked by his best friend if he ever talked to Hilary while making love he replied ''She calls me alot so that happens." Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!" I just got a new Bill Clinton Doll. Have you heard about these things? Pull the string and it never says the same thimg twice. Ken Starr told Bill he wanted him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Bill said "I can't do it, those are three different things! Elementary school teacher: All right class. we're going to have a little quiz. I'm going to ask questions, and if you give the correct answer, you get to go home for the day. 1. Who said "give me liberty or give me death"? Schoolgirl: Patrick Henry. Teacher: That's right. You get to go home. 2. Who said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"? Schoolgirl 2: JFK. Teacher: That's right. You can go home, too. Schoolboy: Damn girls should keep their mouths shut. Teacher: Who said that? Schoolboy: Bill Clinton. See you tomorrow. Bill Clinton got the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." Bill looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow!! That's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," Bill asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." Bill takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. Bill is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, he'd golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Bill says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, Bill asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Bill figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." At the Gore-Gephardt inaugural celebration, organizers will pay homage to former President Clinton by flying in some hookers from Memphis... A new poll shows that 12% of Americans believe that oral sex isn't sex. Well they must not be doing it right. Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,"Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats." Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans." Hillary quickly sneered and said," But the other day, you said they were democrats." The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am, but since then, they've opened their eyes." Top things heard at the grand jury inquirary 12. "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?" 11. "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?" 10. "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?" 9. "Can I have some of those fries?" 8. "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?" 7. "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!" 6. "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?" 5. "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?" 4. "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?" 3. "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?" 2. "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?" 1. "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?" The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy. Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard" You got me pregnant!!!" Bill remained quiet. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???" Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over." Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?" 15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic. 14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with "Testing... 1, 2, 3." 13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test. 12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops! That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.) 11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab. 10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968." 9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem. 8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace Ventura-Gate." 7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude from the waist down. 6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi dictator. 5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler. 4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals." 3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY. 2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa. 1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones" How many democrats does it take to screw a lght bulb? Only one, but Hillary thinks it is a republican conspiracy. Why isn't President Clinton going to bring the troops back from the Persian Gulf anytime soon? Because there are so many husbands away from so many wifes it will take him months to catch up. One of Clinton's advisors came in and said "the Jennifer Flowers thing has come up again." Clinton responded, "Oh no, what now?" The advisor said, "Well, there's good news and bad news." Clinton said, "I've had a rough day...give me the good news first." The advisor replied,"The good news is...you're bigger than Magic Johnson." Clinton received a letter from a man who says he'll break his legs if he bothers his wife one more time. Clinton goes Vern Jordon and asks what he ought to do. Vernon says, contact the man and promise never to see the man's wife again. Clinton says, "I can't, the guy didn't sign his name". Why is Monica always on top? Because Bill can only screw up. Bill Clinton and Chelsea are walking along a beach in California. Summoning up all the courage a father can, he asks... "Chelsea, how is college going, socially" Do you have any, uh, boyfriends, and are you being, un, nice?" Chelsea thinks for a second, then replies "Well Dad, if you're asking me 'Am I having sex,' well, the answer is no, not as YOU define it." The country seems to be doing pretty good -- everybody's got a job, money is up, lot of houses. How many people care that the President's having sex" Does it bother anybody" See, that's basically the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats . The Republicans are after your money, the Democrats are after your sister. How can Clinton save his Presidency? Hit 72 home runs!! What's the difference between Al Gore and Leanardo DiCaprio? Al Gore's actually on a sinking ship. I think Clinton is in so much stress, that we should do something special for him. That's why I'd like to introduce a new verb, specially for him. It's called: Clintonize If you really want to become famous, and if you are in a really bad situation, and there seems to be no way out, just clintonize, and before you know it you are the most famous person in the world, with your own 4hour video showing just your face on every tv-channel in the world. Upon returning from his recent trip to Russia on Air Force One, President Clinton hears the voice of the pilot over the intercom speak; "Mr. President, at this time we are approaching Washington International Airport, and as usual, I have to ask you to fasten your seatbelt and return your stewartess to her full and upright position,...." What do Monica Lewinsky and a Pepsi machine have in common? Both say "Insert Bill here" What's the difference between the president, a white house intern and a janitor? one's screwing light bulbs, one's screwing the country and the other's screwing the president! What's is the difference between Clinton and the devil? The devil likes the hot seat! President Clinton called M. McGuire to thank him for keeping his name of the front pages of American news papers. President Clinton will always be know as the president after Bush. Did you know the Clinton Presidential Library has already been built? It's every adult book store in Little Rock. Dear Mom and Dad: It has been eight months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down . OK? Good, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious.Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village. I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know . . . There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Chelsea P.S. Stanford is great I love it, though I miss you both terribly, and Socks, too! P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others. Click below and then come back!! Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Becuase Janet Reno is her dad.
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